Due Date

I had a hard time writing this post. I knew I had to though. Had to recognize the day. I have said before how I was scared that Olivia would be forgotten. Today is the day she was to be born, at least according to the calendar. Instead she was born almost exactly five months ago. Too soon.

I guess I don't really know what else to say. Other than not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about Olivia and the day she was born. Wondering what things would be like right now if she hadn't been born in May. How different life would be.

Proverbs 3:5. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

I say that a lot. Every day. Ten times a day. When ever my head and heart goes to the why questions. Why did she have to die? Why can't I carry a child full term? Why are we being tested like this? Right now I don't have the answers to those questions. Proverbs 3:5.

Anna hasn't mentioned wanting to be a big sister for a REALLY long time. I can't even remember when the last time was. Until today. She asked today. Of all days. Proverbs 3:5.

The hardest part is wondering what the future will bring. How will this story end? Proverbs 3:5.

I have a heavy heart today. Hard not to think about what could have been. Hard not to remember the feelings of excitement around this date when we found out we were pregnant. But all I can do at this point is Trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. Proverbs 3:5.