It feels like a lifetime has passed since we lost Olivia last May. We made a conscience decision to really take the summer off from thinking or trying or hoping for a positive pregnancy test. The whole last 12 months have been about that and to be honest I was done. I couldn't do it again.
Now summer is over. School has started. Life is moving on. October 27th is right around the corner. Olivia's due date. As much as I felt like we were processing it all so well, it really was that we were ignoring it so that we could enjoy our summer. We ran away for a couple vacations. We kept busy with friends and family. We made an effort to not think about it.
But now life is moving on. We are establishing school routines. And I feel like life is passing us by and I am getting exponentially older by the day. My head and heart goes back and forth and back and forth. Do we try again or not? Do we give up on the dream to have another child or continue to be SO thankful for what we have? What if we lose another pregnancy? How will we survive that? What is God's plan for us? Are we being obedient to what He wants us to do? How does everything we have been through in the last 12 months fit into His plan?
I struggle with those questions every day. I think it comes down to one thing for me. Is there ANYTHING we can do different this time around? Is there anything the Drs can do to help us have a healthy pregnancy? Anything? If there was nothing, I think we would say "no more". I don't think we could risk that heartbreak again. But there is something. One thing.
There is evidence that taking a blood thinner during pregnancy would help with the blood flow between the baby and myself. It will be a shot. Twice a day. From day one. There were two clues in ALL the tests that showed premature aging of the placenta in two of the miscarriages and also a positive blood test for me. Antiphospholipid Syndrome. Blood clots. Coupled with Anna's premature birth and the pieces come together.
There is hope. There is a chance that we could have a healthy full term pregnancy. I can't pass up on that chance. I don't want to have regrets. We have to try. For us and for Anna.
Some Doritos and a stupid test
3 weeks ago
8 comments:
Thank you for your honesty in your posts. I read the one a long time ago when you named Olivia and I was so choked up I just didn't know what to write. Again, I am teary. We will be praying you through as you follow God's leading.
Also, I love the new design. Very fabulous!!
Although I haven't been through the loss of a pregnancy or a child, we did have trouble conceiving Cameron and had to go through treatment. I know it is a tough decision for you - we had the same thoughts. We wondered if we were going against God's plan for us and if we shouldn't just be thankful for the little firecracker that we already had. But we knew we would have too many questions if we didn't try and thank goodness that we did - I can't imagine life without little Cam. I commend your courage and I will be praying for two pink lines and a healthy pregnancy!
I am so happy you guys have decided to try this route to have another baby! My good friend took the same shot for the same reason and has a very healthy 2 year old now! I wish you love and luck on this one and lots of faith!!
Praying for you. Thank you for your honest words. You are an inspiration. First time to your blog, and I love it. Look forward to more!
My heart goes out to you! I'm wishing the best for you and your family. Huge hugs to you!
-Melissa
This was such a touching, honest post, I had to say that I visited. I'm so sorry for you losses and I'm so glad you've made a decision. I hope it leads to only joy.
I often wish God would just drop me an email with directives: "I want you to do this." Stop doing that." It's so hard to untangle what He wants from what I want. But I keep trying, and it sounds like you do, too! And that's the best any of us can do.
Thanks for visiting the Raisin Chronicles and I will keep you in my prayers.
I can't even begin to imagine how hard this must be. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
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